Cooper's Dignity - You Can't Take My Dignity!

A man once said, "Do not confuse genius with stupidity." It is safe to say he was talking about Cooper's Dignity, the baddest rock n roll band on the planet. Where as most foreign press rave about them, the intelligent fans in America know that they are really just 4 retards, who aren't even that talented, playing music that no one really cares about. Yet, for some unknown reason people are drawn to them like priests to teenage boys. They can't get enough. Why? What is it about Cooper that has the public watching their every move like the government watching Martha Stewart? Where the hell did they come from and how did this rock n roll menagerie come to be? Well here it is. For your eyes, or in some cases eye, to read. A fully detailed history of God's gift to rock n roll. You wanted the best, well you got the worst. Rock n roll retards, Copper's Dignity.

Part 1: The Beginnings

The story of Cooper begins in the filth infested rat hole that is Jersey City. Picture it, an eleven year old overweight boy was heading to his local McDonalds for lunch, his 2nd lunch of the day. Upon exiting with his 3 happy meals in tow, a new boy in the neighborhood was hanging on the street corner and yelled, "Hey yo, fat boy, come here man, I got something for you man." Upon which he reached into his coat and pulled out a powdery white substance and said, "Here man, this is free. Tell your friends I got more. Adios gordo." These two boys were The Ink and The Mag.

Our young round friend took the bag home and figuring it was salt, poured it on his french fries and dug in. After his mouth went numb he showed his mom what he had done. After beating his ass for several minutes she dragged him to the hospital. He could not eat for 5 days. Have you seen The Ink? He can not go without food for 5 minutes so imagine 5 days.

Upon his release from the hospital he returned to that same street corner. The Mag smiled upon seeing him, expecting some new customers and mucho dinero. He never expected to get the ass whopping of his life. His illegal status ass was kicked up and down Central Avenue.

After the police arrived they were both sent to the Paul Lynde School for Wayward Boys. Upon arriving they met a handsome young man who was serving time for numerous crimes. Yes that handsome young man would be The Eyepatch. The year was 1981, and all of these men had been in these facilities before but this was their first stint together.

Almost immediately there was tension between The Eyepatch and The Mag. The Eyepatch had the run of the place but The Mag new he could make a fortune selling tits. For all who have never served time tites is prison slang for drugs. But this was not his only problem. The Ink was still pissed about the salt incident and beat the crap out of The Mag any chance he had.

The Mag developed a plan. He convinced The Ink that if they teamed up and took out The Eyepatch they would run the show, an evil dynamic duo if you will. He convinced The Ink that if they teamed up he would have open access to the kitchen. The Ink agreed and the plan was set in motion.

The Mag confronted The Eyepatch at lunch one day and said, "Oye guapo, you going down chico." The Eyepatch laughed and then bitch slapped him and then whooped his ass with the belt his daddy gave him and proclaimed, "Paul Lynde is my castle and I am king. Now suck me bitch and you will be spared my sword in your ass." The Eyepatch did not see the spoon The Mag had picked up when he fell. The Mag jumped up and spooned The Eyepatch removing his eye, thus reulting in his name, The Eyepatch. He wasn't born with one eye. The Mag jumped up and said, "Hey yo, it's mine now chico and the only sucking being done being done will be you sucking for air puto cabron." And he was about to crush his throat with his cockroach killers. Suddenly he was attacked from behind and had the crap beat out of him. The Mag turned over and could not believe what he saw. The Ink had sold him out. It seems that the guards were very enamoured with The Ink and continually accosted him. You know them guards love little fat boys. The Ink went to The Eyepatch and would explain The Mag's plan only if he was protected. The Eyepatch agreed.The only setback was that The Ink was supposed to stop The Mag from getting close to The Eyepatch, but he was devouring a box of Twinkies at the time and couldn't get across the kitchen fast enough. The Eyepatch eventually forgave him though. It turns out that he felt that wearing an eyepatch gave him a sort of mystique with the female guards and all the ladies for that matter.

Coming next week part 2: The Music

Site Map

Mailing List

Blog Archives

Pic Of The Day

Shout Box Btiches